There are several things in this world that don't have words to describe them. When you return to a loving family from a long time away, happy doesn't begin to describe how you feel. When you lose a loved one, the word pain doesn't compare to the feelings within. This is one of the times in my life where I have absolutely no words to describe what is going on inside. I love to write my feelings. It is a way for me to make sense of my emotions and sometimes bring healing. These past few weeks, I haven't been able to write because I have no idea what's going on inside of me. I have felt unimaginable pain, grief, betrayal, anger, and confusion. I lost 19 members of my (Haitian) family. Prior to this, I would sometimes look at their pictures and imagine what it would be like to lose one of them. The thought scared me so much, I had to drop it immediately. So, when I figured out that this fear of mine had come true times nineteen, my world fell a part. Another thing I can't describe is my love for these kids. God used these kids to teach me so much about His love, His Will, and His Joy. He had used them to drastically change my life forever. And now they're gone. This place I called home was broken. Darkness had crept in and won this battle. However, God is the Ultimate Winner in the end. It is promises like this that allow me to stand when my world is broken. During this time of grieving, God is the undeniable hope.
The past few weeks have been a blur. I experienced emotions that I've never experienced before. Their names, faces, and memories have been constantly in my mind. I know it's great that these kids have a family, but I also know that this is incredibly hard for them. Not knowing where they are or what is running through their head is scary. I've never been a person with a lot of fears. That's part of growing up with a competitive and adventurous dad and brother. I've always been laid back and pretty worry free. I've always had the mindset of "God's got it." But lately, it's been another story. It's not that I've been busying myself worrying because trusting God has been imbedded deep into my heart. But I was betrayed by people I loved in Haiti. That's scary. Three fourths of my family is gone. That's scary. More than anything my relationship with God was hit with Satan's bullet. That's very scary. Jesus Christ is my absolute everything. God's love is beyond my comprehension and my life is dedicated to loving Him back. I know without a doubt that this will never change. But when my life changed so dramatically, I was broken. On the outside, nothing had changed. I talked about God in Bible study and worshipped God in church. But all my emotions formed a large glass wall between me and God. I could see His face through the glass. I knew He was there and in control. I could feel His light, but I couldn't touch Him. I've never felt so distant from God but that's not what I wanted. I love my God and I knew I needed Him, but I didn't know how to break this glass wall. I had a hard time even reading my Bible. It made no sense. Reading the Word has become a vital part of my daily routine, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. Never have I been so thankful for the way I was raised and the wisdom and Word The Lord has given to me previous to this. I had so much Scripture in my heart that it transformed my mind in this hard time. The knowledge I have of Christ and His character led me to trust Him in everything. Because why not trust this God who has done everything for me? He's amazing. This is why I titled this blog, "Standing on the Promises" because everything The Lord has revealed to me, prior to this loss, was what allowed me to stand. I want you to know that I never lost faith. My faith wasn't shaken, but I was. Faith stayed the same. God was constant. I couldn't read my Bible but I always spoke to God. I pleaded with God, I longed for Him. I questioned Him asking "Why would you let this happen?", but I knew the answer. I could hear Him saying, "I have a plan greater than your understanding." He's right because I don't understand any of this.
Last Saturday, I went home to Haiti. But would it be "home" still? Once again, I was scared. I was scared to see empty beds of those who left and see hurt hearts of the children who remained. Walking down to see my kids for the first time after all this happened was the hardest thing I've ever done. Little did I know that on Monday it would get even harder. The plan for this trip was to go into schools and teach math. This was a trip of youth from my church and that included several of my closest friends. On Monday morning, the first school we went to was Pastor Paul's. Before this trip, I had prayed fervently to see my kids just one more time. I just needed to tell them I loved them one more time. I knew seeing them would be hard, but when I walked into the school and saw four of my kids, it took my breath away. I instantly smiled when I saw them, but I had to turn around quickly. They couldn't see me cry. I had to walk out. I was shaking. They were okay. But they weren't mine. Four of the kids that kept me up at night and the amount of tears that had been for them were too many to count. They were right in front of me. Kenson, Lovely, Myson, and Nana. God answered my prayer and it was hard, but I was oh so thankful. I got to spend time talking to each one. And then came the hard part. We had to say goodbye. I didn't want to let go. I had to watch Kenson, who I've always been very close to, literally walk away. He walked the wrong way. He walked the opposite way of Children's Hope. He should have been holding my hand and walking back with me. Hard doesn't describe this.
Tuesday was another hard day. It started off great. That morning, half the team stayed at Children's Hope to help our kids with math. I worked with the older ones and we had fun. After lunch, the team split up in two groups and went door to door evangelizing. I know several kids in the community and they joined us for the adventure (including Kiki, my "son"). This was a precious time spent being obedient to God's call in a place that I love with people I love. We met several Christians who we got to pray for and several lost who received the gospel for the first time. That's what life is about. It was great, but I still had the glass wall during the time. It was about to break. When we got home, the team went down to Children's Hope to spend time with the kids. Many new kids came to Children's Hope this week. We now have 15 kids and we wanted to love on them as much as possible. I was talking to Mrs. Maria Peters (new director of CH) and my dad when we had some unexpected visitors. Mrs. Maria looked at me and told me to get all the kids in the dining room fast. Our visitors brought some chaos and we ended up rushing all of us and the kids to the mission house. One of our kids we lost, Vedette, had come home just the day before and that is where this problem rooted from. Our security guards were yelling and there was panic. I was in the mission house with our kids and we had to entertain them before they realized what was going on. We began singing and coloring and eventually put a movie in. The kids who have been at Children's Hope since the beginning understood what was going on and it hurt to see the fear in their eyes. I took Rene aside wanting to comfort the fear that showed on his face. He is so dear to my heart, so we talked for a little while and he then wanted me to pray with him. The glass wall broke as we called out to God together. He had given me peace in this moment. He had given me strength when others were scared. He had given us protection when we needed it. He had broken the glass wall and formed a brick one between us and our unwanted visitors. He held us in His arms. Where earlier I could see and feel Him but there was something holding me back from falling completely in His arms, there was nothing now. He was holding me so tight as I held Rene in my arms. "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God'd children."- Romans 8:15-16
The joys of Haiti remained the same. I got to spend time with my friends in the community and in the schools. Bringing new kids into Children's Hope was very neat to see. We got to spend a lot of time with our kids at CH. We even had a water balloon fight. I got to love on Kiki and buy a meal for his sweet family. The translators were fun to be around as always. Mrs. Joy and Mr. Tommy (my Haiti parents) are always such a joy to be around.
Thank you all for your prayers for Children's Hope and everyone involved. Continue to pray for our kids who are now being lights throughout Jacmel.
This was Katherine's first plane ride and trip to Haiti. It was so neat to have my very best friend experience my beloved Haiti with me.
Always in my heart, Kiki.
This is all the Peters (an absolutely, incredible family), staff, and kids at Children's Hope.
These are all our new precious babies!
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God'd children. Now if we are God's children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." - Romans 8:15-18
Longest blog ever!!
